Okay-ish: Blog Navigating Infertility

After my last post, my husband Jason shot me a playful glare and said, “Honey, how did Kol get mentioned before me?” I burst out laughing because, really, doesn’t he know Kol is the little love of my life? But in all seriousness, while that’s true, I had a grand plan to introduce him solo. So, before diving into the depths of our journey, let me introduce my wonderful husband, Jason.

If you were to meet him, the first thing you’d notice is his towering 6’8” frame and solid 300-pound build—he’s definitely not small! But what might surprise you is his shy demeanor. Once he warms up, the dad jokes start flowing, and his laughter at his own punchlines will have you belly laughing for days. He’s funny and gentle—my anchor, my calm in the storm, and my biggest supporter.

We’ve been side by side for nearly a decade, tying the knot in 2022. It’s been a journey filled with laughter, love, and just the right sprinkle of chaos—just the way we like it!

When we first started discussing having kids, the first step was removing my IUD. I remember that appointment vividly—the nervous excitement of taking control of our family planning. Little did I know that the years to follow would be filled with heartache and the pressure of the ticking maternal clock. I often remind myself that I’m not alone in this; infertility takes a toll on many relationships.

Research indicates that couples who do not achieve pregnancy after undergoing fertility treatments are three times more likely to experience divorce or separation compared to those who do conceive. The challenges of infertility, including feelings of loneliness, financial pressure, and stress, can significantly impact a marriage. Studies reveal that women facing infertility experience anxiety and depression levels comparable to those diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, or HIV.

The emotional rollercoaster of hormones and the frustration of trying to conceive can create a disconnect between partners. It’s easy to forget that you’re on the same team when the journey becomes overwhelming. We cope with disappointment in different ways, which can lead to misunderstandings.

There are days when I feel like my body is letting him down. I can’t help but think that if he had known our future, he might have chosen differently. Jason is a fixer by nature and trade, and I know it’s hard for him to watch me struggle. I can see the helplessness in his eyes, and I imagine that being part of a team without control can be challenging for him too.

There have been many times Jason has had to remain strong so that I could crumble. This is hard to admit, but I promised I would stay honest. A lot of the time, I don’t have the emotional capacity to ask my husband how he’s feeling, so I don’t. One reason is that I don’t know how to respond, and another is that I’m often just trying to keep my own head above water.

What I know for certain is that partners often get overlooked in this journey. I remember the last time we were pregnant—we went in for our 7-week ultrasound filled with excitement, only to learn there was no heartbeat. I’ll share more about that experience later, but what struck me afterward was Jason’s reflection on the situation. He told me that no medical provider had asked him if he was okay or if he needed anything.

In the midst of our shared pain, it became painfully clear that while I was the one physically experiencing the loss, he was also carrying a heavy burden that went unnoticed. It’s crucial to remember that both partners deserve support and acknowledgment, especially during such challenging times.

Dr. Gottman describes infertility as feeling like you’re adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, terrified of the waves that may crash down at any moment. Yet, when you look back and see your partner beside you, you realize you’re not alone. While this journey can threaten to tear you apart, it also holds the potential to deepen your connection, creating a unique intimacy that only the two of you can share. After all, your partner is the only one who truly understands the weight of what you’re feeling.

Like many aspects of a relationship, navigating infertility requires intention and effort. While we don’t always get it right, here are a few strategies that we have found helpful, and I hope they resonate with you as well. We would love to hear what has worked for you—comment below.

1. **Be a Team**: Approach the journey of fertility as a shared experience. It’s essential to support one another without placing blame. Avoid getting trapped in self-blame; instead, recognize that infertility is a challenge you’re facing together.

2. **Maintain Spontaneous Intimacy**: “Planned sex” can place a strain on your relationship, as ovulation calculations and techniques for maximizing your chances of conception take the place of romance. Although some changes in your intimacy are unavoidable, both partners should still make an effort to be intimate even when conception is not the goal.

3. **Engage in the Process**: This is your journey too! If permitted by your fertility clinic, actively participate in consultations and monitoring visits. Sharing the experience will help you both process information and reduce the emotional load.

4. **Schedule Enjoyable Outings**: Step away from the pressures of fertility treatments, even if just for a few hours. Engaging in fun activities, whether it’s a movie night, a nature hike, or a simple ice cream date, can rejuvenate your spirits and strengthen your bond.

5. **Educate Yourselves**: Understanding the biological aspects of infertility will empower you as you navigate treatments. Additionally, learning about emotional well-being and relationship dynamics will equip you with tools to cope, regardless of the outcome.

Xoxo,  

Nina

Okay-ish: where we are mostly okay but finding our way—because every step forward counts, no matter how small.